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The Star Wars Holiday Special

(1978)

The guy who makes the Star Wars movies hates this one and says he wishes he could destroy every single copy. He's a complete bonehead and he's always fucking Star Wars up, but this is one of those times where the dude is totally right- this movie sucks.

It starts with Han Solo and Chewbacca going to Chewbacca's planet* for "Life Day", which is this fake Christmas for Chewbaccas (sort of like Kwanzaa). Darth Vader doesn't want them to get there, though, because he's evil so he hates Life Day and Kwanzaa and Christmas and especially the fucking Jews, so he sends all these bad guys after them.

Meanwhile, all these other Chewbaccas are hanging out at home and shit. Okay, if you ever saw Star Wars you know that Chewbaccas talk with growls and stuff, so basically there's like ten minutes of them growling and we don't have any fucking idea what's going on. It's fucking ridiculous. After a while, Hedley Lamarr from The Carol Burnett Show comes on the Chewbaccas' TV and does all this annoying shit, and later Ed Norton stops by with presents for everybody (one of the presents is, I swear to fucking God, porn). Finally some Stormtroopers show up, and  I was really hoping they'd track Hedley Lamarr down and blow his ass away, but they just push everybody around, trash the place, and watch a Jefferson Starship video. Later the bad guys watch a show where Maude sings this "last call" song (I think dance clubs should start playing that song at the end of the night instead of "The Last Dance" or that worthless piece of shit "Closing Time"; that would be hilarious), and in one part the baby Chewbacca watches a cartoon that has Boba Fett in it. (This cartoon, incidentally, is the main reason people will happily drop twenty bucks to buy shitty millionth-generation VHS copies of this dumb movie. You nerds really cream your jeans over that fuckin' Boba Fett, don't you?)

Once all these idiots are done watching their favorite TV shows, Han Solo shows up and him and Ed Norton save the day. Then Princess Leia sings (they should've had her strip; I mean, we all want to see that, and at this point, what the fuck, right?), and finally the nightmare is over. It's one of the worst Star Wars things ever- even dumber than those fucking ads with Colonel Sanders, the Taco Bell dog, and that hot Pizza Hut chick, and only slightly better than The Phantom Menace.

*No I don't know the name of the planet Chewbacca comes from, and neither should you, you fucking geek.