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Storm of the Century

(1999)

I hope you got a good night's sleep, because this movie is four and a half hours long, and even worse it's completely boring and forgets to be about anything. It starts with these yokels who live on an island and are just so quirky and rustic that they border on retardation. Pretty soon this annoying supernatural guy shows up and starts going all "Pepperidge Farm remembers" on everybody's ass, and when they ask him why he's being such a dick he just keeps saying "Give me what I want and I'll go away." So what does he want? They won't tell us! It's all so creepy and mysterious I could barely keep my eyes open. Finally after three hours and forty-five minutes of this tomfuckery he says he wants one of their kids (gross), so everybody with a kid draws straws and the main dude loses. Of course the main dude says he's not having it, but the bad guy just shrugs his shoulders and takes the kid anyway. The end. Seriously, they don't even have a fistfight over it! What kind of dogshit ending is that??? And why the hell didn't the bad guy just tell them what he wanted up front? That probably would've saved us at least two hours. The problem is that Stephen King came up with this and everybody knows that it takes Stephen King a week just to tell you he's running back into the house to make sure he didn't leave the oven on. Somebody who doesn't have any chance of being in his will anyway really needs to step up and tell him when it's time to put a fucking sock in it. And while we're on the subject, here's a few other things he obviously needs to hear:

1. Even though some nursery rhymes could be considered a little creepy, "I'm a little teapot" isn't one of them. You might as well have had the bad guy walking around singing "Barbie Girl".

2. Remember when people used to complain that your books and movies were too gory and shit? Obviously not.

3. What in fuck's name is with the bad guy taking all the kids flying, Peter Pan style? It would be one thing if he let them all fall to their deaths after a while and then ate their remains or something, but this is just gay.

4. If you're gonna put a chick as fine as Julianne Nicholson in your movie, you better make damn sure we see her naked.

5. The most exciting part of a movie should be the end, not none of it.

6. Your book Insomnia sucked ass.

Stephen King will put his goddamn name on anything (I think he even recommends the motor oil I use), but this is the most pointless piece of crap with his name on it yet. Fucking weak.