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Stranded

(2006)

These five obnoxious, shallow twats go on vacation and yammer on and on about how awesome they are and why can't they find any good men* and all the other things chicks who think way too much of themselves talk about until finally they visit this deserted island and your prayers are answered when someone starts wasting the vapid bitches. It sounds like this could be a pretty good movie, but of course they manage to fuck everything up. First of all, there's no tits. I am so damn sick of sitting through these movies with no tits in them. People want to see tits in movies. Who wakes up in the morning and says "You know, I don't really feel like looking at any tits today"? Nobody, so give the public what it wants, filmmaking jackasses, before you end up like the goddamned music industry and have to prop yourselves up with some sort of "American Idol" bullshit. Of course this movie makes the even bigger mistake of having no gore either. Why even make a movie about a bunch of people getting slaughtered if you're not going to show any blood? If that's how you roll that's fine by me because it takes all types (I guess), but if you hate gore wouldn't it make more sense to come up with a movie about, say, a dog who accidentally gets elected Pope of Russia and hi-jinks ensue than a movie about people getting murdered? It's just common sense. Another thing they do wrong, and I've seen a lot of this lately, is killing off the hottest chick (by far) first. Chicks should always be killed in order from ugliest to hottest. It's called "respect". Basically this worthless crapfest fumbles the ball more times than a football player who's really bad at football but I don't watch sports and I'm too lazy to look up a specific example. Somebody on the Arizona Cardinals or something. About the only type of person who would like this lame flick is a chick who would get all into it because "Omigod, these girls are just like me and my crew!", and if you're that chick please do the world a favor and kill yourself now, and if you can manage it take your worthless friends with you.

*Hint: because you fucking suck