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Striking Poses

(1999)

Brenda Walsh has done it this time- it looks like the Feds have just busted her for murder! Now if I was the D.A. I'd let her off with 200 hours of community service, all of which would be performed at my mansion, in a French maid outfit. She can't count on the local authorities being as forgiving (or corrupt) as me though, so she has no choice but to lay out some sob story and hope for the best. It seems she was being stalked, so she had this security cat install a new alarm system and get her a fake identity. I'm not sure how the fake identity is supposed to help if she's still going to be living in the same house, but this movie like aggressively refuses to make any sense so if I dwell on any one thing we'll be here all day. After the stalker killed her hottie assistant she hired this murderer to kill him, but it turned out the stalker and the murderer were the same person and he whacked the security cat instead and then left her to clean up the mess.

Now if somebody gave me this song & dance they'd earn two slaps in the mouth- one in case they were lying, and another one for being so stupid in case they were telling the truth. The Feds believe her though, because it turns out the whole thing was just a ridiculously complex plan to rob her house! There's more twists after that, but they're all so obvious you can see them coming before the movie even starts, plus not only does Brenda not flaunt her shit, but she pretty much gets out-hotted by her assistant! Frankly I think that's like bordering on unacceptable; Brenda really should've demanded a couple of scenes where she lounged around in her underwear or something, just to remind the people who made this flick whose skinny ass was actually paying the bills. Seriously, don't let 'em push you around, Brenda. Fuck those hacks.