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Superman II
(The Richard Donner Cut)

(1980)

Superman II was fine the way it was: there's a huge fight where a bunch of shit gets fucked up, the bad guys kill lots of people, and the evil chick is fucking hot. People just can't leave well enough alone, though, so they had to make another version that's supposed to be all different. It's not like they're going to add in some tits or the bad guys punching peoples' heads off (although that would've been pretty cool), so what's the point of going back and changing a bunch of stuff around? Anyway, if you're all curious or whatever don't waste your time, because it's pretty much the same except at the end Superman flies around the Earth and makes it go back in time to fix everything, just like he did in Superman I. That's great, Superman, except wouldn't the same stuff just happen all over again? And if that's not the case, where do you draw the line with this kind of shit? Does Superman like turn back time every time he breaks a glass in the kitchen or forgets to record Desperate Housewives on the DVR? Have you ever had one of those times where you're sure you took care of something, but then somehow it turns out you didn't and you can't figure out what the fuck happened? Well, blame Superman. As if that isn't bad enough, when it's all over Clark Kent goes to this diner to kick the shit out of this cat who beat him up earlier, except he seems to forget that he turned back time so that never actually happened. So basically, he just rolled into this place and pounded the crap out of a guy for absolutely no reason. What an asshole. The only good thing about this version is that after Superman nails Lois Lane she comes out of his super-bedroom wearing his shirt, which rocks because a chick wearing a Superman shirt is always at least a little hot. Unless she's a fatty, of course.