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Superman: Brainiac Attacks

(2006)

This robot from space comes to Earth and starts downloading a bunch of crap without paying for it, so Superman kicks the shit out of it. Lex Luthor and his hot chick sidekick (who doesn't wear pants) steal a piece of the robot though, and they decide to fix it so they can use it to waste Superman once and for all. Meanwhile Superman is all worried because he wants to tell Lois Lane he's really Clark Kent. He's been crying about this for like fifty years now and still hasn't done anything about it, so frankly I think he needs to shut the fuck up and give it a rest. He always uses the excuse that Lois Lane would be in all this danger if she knew his secret identity, but she already gets kidnapped like twice a week because everyone knows she's friends with Superman anyway, so what the fuck difference would it make? You know what I think? I think he's afraid to tell her because then he'd have to take things to the next level, and Superman's a virgin. Fucking pansy.

Anyway, Lex Luthor fixes the robot and makes it way tougher than before (in other words, it'll take Superman a whole minute instead of 30 seconds to fuck it up), and it hedges its bets by blasting Lois Lane with this ray and giving her blood poisoning or some such shit so Superman has to go into the Phantom Zone to get the cure. After he gets back he fights the robot again, and naturally they destroy half the city (I like how Superman will rush to save one person from falling rubble or something, then turn around and throw a robot through an entire skyscraper and kill like a thousand people).  This was getting pretty repetitious or whatever, but I guess the people who wrote it figured that out too because this time he finishes the robot off for good. Oh yeah, and Jimmy Olsen gets the piss beat out of him by a chick, which serves him right just for being Jimmy Olsen. Fuck that little wiener.