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Tale of the Mummy

(1998)

Every mummy movie starts with them breaking into the mummy's tomb, but at least this time it's a little different: this mummy was such a badass that they hung his casket from the ceiling over a huge pit so he couldn't get out and raise hell. Of course the people who find him cut it down and open the thing up, but he's in pretty bad shape: there's nothing left but a pile of bandages! So does the mummy possess someone and go on a killing spree? Uh, no. The bandages go on a killing spree. I would be lying if I said the part where the bandages hide in a towel dispenser, attack some drip while he's drying his face, and then pull him down the toilet is the stupidest thing I ever saw, but unless you watch all the same movies I do it'll probably be the stupidest thing you ever saw. Then there's the part where the bandages are flying over the city like Superman, or the part where they come in through the mail slot to attack a chick in her apartment, or the part where they disguise themselves as a dog. And what the hell is with the giant mummy cocoon? I totally expected Mothra to burst out of that thing. It's like somebody offered the guy who made this movie a slice of retard pie and he pushed them down and ran off with the whole thing. There is one phenomenal piece of red-hot ass on hand, but she's fully clothed right up to the very end where they drag her off to the nuthouse, which means there really is no reason to watch this movie whatsoever. Unless you're afraid of bandages, I suppose.