Home

Terror Tract

(2000)

This movie starts with the food chain: a bird eats a worm, a cat eats the bird, the cat gets run over by a car, and a dog runs out into the street and tears the cat to pieces! I'm pretty sure "car" is actually at the top of that particular food chain, but it was still pretty funny. The main story though is about Jack Tripper trying to sell these two people a house. Every house he shows them has like this awful story to go along with it, and of course Jack tells them because - Surprise! - it's one of those movies with a bunch of different stories in it. Dammit.

In the first story this dude catches his whore wife screwing some guy, so he tries to hang her and shoot him. The crazy thing is, if he succeeded he would be the one going to prison. It's a fucked up world we live in. Anyway, the whore and her boyfriend get the upper hand at first, but they forgot about the supernatural so when it's all over they wind up completely hosed, exactly the way you figured they would two seconds after the story started. It's pretty weak. We don't even see the whore's tits.

In the next one, this spoiled little brat finds a monkey and wants to keep it as a pet. Unfortunately it's not the kind of monkey that brings you the keys after you get locked in jail by Sheriff Lobo so you can escape, it's more of a razor blade-wielding Monkeyshines kind of monkey and it starts fucking everything up. The kid's dad (it's Hal from Malcolm in the Middle) hires pro wrestler Buff Bagwell to get rid of the monkey; "You sure are anxious to get rid of that monkey aren't ya?" he says. Well, let's see, it's a goddamned monkey in his fucking house, shit-for-brains, what do you think? I think you've been hit on the head with one folding table too many, you fucking idiot. Irregardless, the monkey kills him and it looks like Hal did it! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Some more shit happens after that, but a monkey framing the dad from Malcolm in the Middle for murdering Buff Bagwell is definitely the high point.

The last story is the worst one of the three- this cat in a granny mask offs all these primo pieces of ass, but we don't see any of them naked, and it really isn't even all that bloody. When Jack Tripper's done telling this one the people decide they don't want to buy a house, so he flips out and stabs one of them with his pen, then the neighborhood goes completely bananas and everyone starts killing each other and shit's blowing up and even the monkey comes back and attacks some guy in the middle of the street. What the fuck? I guess the idea is that this neighborhood is the "Terror Tract" and there's just non-stop terror going on there 24-7, but if that's the case then why does anyone live there in the first place? It just doesn't make any sense.