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A Thief in the Night

(1972)

If you thought Left Behind was all brilliant and original then you've obviously been left back as well as behind because crazy fucks were making movies about this "Rapture" shit long before that smarmy ass-sucker from Growing Pains came along. This one was made in the 1970s, so needless to say it's fucking terrible. It starts with these Christian rock hippies preaching the standard Jesus shtick to the kids, even though they're not exactly selling it very well ("It doesn't cost anything but your life."). This one chick becomes Christian, but her two friends decide they have better things to do, i.e. getting picked up by a couple of guys with ludicrous sideburns. Now, the one guy's sideburns are bad, but mainly because, due to hindsight or whatever, we know that everything from the 1970s was bad (except the Ramones). The other cat's sideburns are completely off the Richter scale though. Check this bozo out:

Even for 1972 that's fucking unbelievable. There is no way he was just chilling at home like that when they stopped by and asked him to be in this movie. He must have lost a bet or something. Anyway, for a while the story is just about these clods & their awful 1970s lives, and any normal human being will be bored shitless by the time the Rapture actually happens and all the Christians disappear. (Obviously this is the most important part of the movie, so of course they don't even bother to show it.) After that it takes the United Nations like three days to take over the entire goddamn world, and when they do they put marks on everybody's hand or forehead- with hair clippers! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! One of the chicks from the beginning won't take the mark though, so two guys chase her around in a van for a while. At one point they both get out of the van and leave the keys in the ignition though, so the chick manages to steal it! You'd think a one world government could find people a little more competent to put on the payroll. Idiots. Unfortunately for the chick, the UN also has a helicopter and a walkie-talkie, so they manage to corner her and she has no choice but to jump off a dam. It looks like it's curtains for this bitch, but then it turns out it was all a dream! Then it turns out it wasn't! Holy crap!

Fucking weak.