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Tomorrow Never Dies

(1997)

All the Remington Steele James Bond movies suck ass, and this one is no exception. First of all, the bad guy's big plan is to blow up part of China so he can sell more newspapers. It's retarded. Why not just run pictures of naked celebrities? I guarantee you'd sell more papers then, and you wouldn't have to get into a pissing match with James "Remington Steele" Bond. The main problem though is that this movie is so fucking generic; I just finished watching it and all I can remember is that Remington Steele got chased by a helicopter (I think it ended up exploding) and cranked down Lois "Lois & Clark" Lane. In fact, Lois Lane's ass was just about the only part of this movie worth remembering. I think the problem is that James Bond is just too predictable. From now on, every James Bond movie should have somebody completely different playing James Bond, and they should pick all sorts of crazy fucks just to keep it interesting. Like if I was running this popcorn factory, here's who I would pick to be the next six James Bonds: Gary Busey; Carrot Top; Lee Ving; Eva Longoria;* Charles Manson; Batman. Now you tell me any one of those movies wouldn't rock ten times harder than this piece of crap. I'd even be willing to bring Lois Lane (and her ass) back for one, just so she didn't feel like she got a bum deal. Ha! "Bum deal". Get it?

"Wait a minute- you're not James Bond! You're Remington Steele! I want my twenty dollars back!"

*The parts where she bagged hot chicks would be awesome.