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The Unknown Ranger

(1936)

The "Unknown" Ranger? What the hell? Does he save the day with the help of his Indian pal "Tanto" or something? He isn't even really unknown; the first guy who sees him calls him "Bob". Duh. Anyway, the Unknown Ranger (Bob) gets sent undercover to find some horse rustlers, and as if that isn't original enough, the second he rolls into town he has to save a little kid from getting run over by a runaway wagon. He doesn't bother to save the person on the wagon though; he just lets it careen off who knows where so he can stick around and mack on the little kid's hot older sister. Way to keep those priorities straight, pardner.

The Unknown Ranger (Bob) ends up getting a job on this ranch, and that night the cowboys have a little party where some of them cross-dress and they all dance with each other (I know you think I'm making this part up, but I'm not). Bob asks this one guy reading Paradise Lost (What the fuck?) to dance but the guy says "I ain't in accord with such levity." Bob dumps him out of his cot and makes him dance anyway. Later, after various goin's-on, the boss tells Bob to guard the ranch while the rest of the cowboys take all the cattle to the train station. He probably shouldn't put this particular gig on his resume though, since the bad guys show up and steal every single horse on the place without him noticing. Bob does go after them once he catches on, so the bad guys start this huge stampede of horses and cattle that runs right through town and smashes up just about everything. It's fucking great. In the end Bob catches the main bad guy and brings him in, then hooks up with the girl and acts like he's some big hero or something, never mind that half the town is destroyed, all the horses are gone, the cattle never made it to the train station, and the rest of the bad guys all got away. What a jackass.