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Valentine

(2001)

Things were a lot simpler in the 1980s: Coca-Cola was the most popular drink in the world, nobody listened to punk rock except for cool weirdoes, and slasher movies were awesome because they always had lots of gore and tits. Well, now it's the 21st Century and everybody likes energy drinks more than Coke, even your grandma is punk, and slasher movies are one of the lamest kinds of flicks out there, just behind movies where an animal saves the day by learning to play sports while a 2 Unlimited song is playing.

This one is a pretty good example: it has like the typical slasher story (a little kid gets picked on, and since becoming super-successful and marrying a former porn star then throwing it in everybody's face at the ten-year reunion is too much work, he just comes back and kills everybody), a bunch of murders, and stars that insanely hot chick from Starship Troopers, but thanks to Scream making slasher movies all Hollywood and shit it totally sucks ass. There's one murder in a hot tub that's pretty awesome, but all the other ones are weak, and not one fucking chick shows her tits (the chick from Starship Troopers in a bathing suit is the best we get- don't get me wrong, that's nice, but she does have tits and it's our right to see them, dammit). Whoever wrote this movie seems to really hate chicks because there's one part where a chick washes her hair in the toilet (duh) and another one where a chick gets wasted and thrown in the garbage, but I don't think he really gets it: in an old-school slasher movie the killer would have held that chick's head in the toilet while he was stabbing her or something, and you damn well know she'd be naked while he was doing it. This is totally half-assed and it pisses me off. Fuck this movie.