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A Valentine Carol

(2007)

That obnoxious, bitchy demon chick from Buffy the Vampire Slayer plays an obnoxious, bitchy radio chick who gets scrooged, except instead of learning the value of Christmas she learns the value of Valentine's Day. Of course Valentine's Day doesn't actually have any value (unless you work for Hallmark, when it's worth about $1.69 plus tax), but I figured I'd play along because how often do you get to see a movie that has the Ghost of Valentine's Past in it? As it turns out, never; this cheap-ass piece of shit doesn't even bother with the ghosts- instead, it just has some drunk ol' lady play all their parts! That's so fucking weak. Plus I think they're a little confused, because they keep talking about how love is all you need but they make it pretty clear that the main reason this chick shouldn't have dumped these two guys in her past is because they both ended up making a shitload of money. You know a broad wrote this, because only a woman would dream up a movie where true love only "counts" if the guy is rich. I can't believe that this is really the best that they could come up with. Off the top of my head I can think of a ton of awesome ways you could mix Valentine's Day with other holidays:

Valloween Girls go door to door and say "Trick and treat!" and you get to fuck them. If a girl's too ugly you're allowed to turn her down, but if you do then she gets to play a prank on you, like telling the next set of girls who come along that you have crabs, or setting your car on fire.

Valentine-Hanukkah Instead of the festival of lights it would be the festival of pussy: you'd get to fuck a different Jewish-American princess every night for eight days, or you could wait until the end and fuck one fat one, I guess. The concept sort of breaks down there, but you get the idea.

The 4^th of Valentine (America only) You shoot off fireworks, then fuck.

Any one of those is a better idea than "bitchy chick travels through time and then marries some idiot". This movie blows.