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A View to a Kill

(1985)

This starts with James Bond getting in a ski chase with some Commie bastards. Then, just when it gets to the best part, they play the Beach Boys! What the fuck??? Okay, almost nobody on Earth is kickass enough to have their own theme music, but James Bond does so when he does something cool you should play his fucking theme music! For the love of fuck, don't these assholes know anything? It's like the first day at Movie Camp or something.

Anyway, next James Bond has to go after this microchip guy who's in cahoots with the Russians. The bad guy's sidekick is Grace Jones, which is bad enough (James Bond movies are supposed to have hot chicks in them, not she-male freaks of nature), but even worse, James Bond actually fucks her! Now, I know he's trying to save the world and sometimes you have to make sacrifices and shit, but you need to draw the line somewhere and I think I would have passed that point long before my dick was inside Grace Jones. Jesus Christ. Most of this movie is James Bond running around a horsey farm doing absolutely nothing, but he does find time to crank down another ugly bitch in a hot tub and have a car chase where a bunch of police cars get wrecked because somebody apparently got confused and thought this was Cannonball Run 4. Pretty much nothing cool happens until the end, when the bad guy starts an earthquake by flooding this mine. The best part is when the flood starts and he whips out a machine gun and just stands there shooting all the miners for absolutely no reason. You know he's gonna catch hell from the union for that one. Now it's time for the big getaway- in a blimp. That's absurd. How in fuck's name does anyone expect to escape in a blimp? I know James Bond villains like to be all quirky and shit, but you have to be practical sometimes too. It gets worse, though- on his way out of town he sneaks up on this hot chick in the blimp, swoops down, and kidnaps her! How the hell do you sneak up on somebody in a blimp? I mean, this chick was almost as dumb as she was hot (almost) but that's still fucking ridiculous. This movie blows.