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The Visitation

(2006)

I actually found this movie at a Christian book store. What the hell? Since when do Christians make horror movies? I thought all their videos were about talking vegetables teaching us valuable, boring lessons. Frankly I would expect a Christian horror movie to be supremely weak (like maybe it would be about a vampire who goes to bite some chick, but then she tells him about Jesus so he becomes born again and starts drinking tomato juice instead) so I gotta give this flick props: it actually is a real horror movie. It starts when this minister dude's wife and dog die, so he decides to lose his faith (at least something good came out of it). The dog comes back to life though, and then all these other miracles start happening, like brain tumors disappearing and people being healed and Jesus' face appearing on a bathroom wall.* The cat who's like responsible for all the miracles doesn't seem so bad at first, but later it turns out he's really possessing everybody so the ex-minister dude and some other people have to try to stop him. There's not a ton of gore, but some cool, violent shit happens, like people getting stabbed with scissors and a kid getting nailed to a fence. The parts where Randy Travis runs around doing drive-by exorcisms on people are pretty hilarious, too. The only really bad thing about this is that it's still a Christian movie so of course none of the chicks get naked. I don't know why Christians are so afraid of tits, but if they would've let the little redhead in this flick pop hers out I'll bet they would've gotten over it pretty quick 'cause she's fucking incredible. For a Christian movie though this is good enough that normal people could watch it, which is a lucky thing for this review since I'm pretty sure most Christians don't spend a lot of time reading this web site.

*Okay, that last one was probably just to impress the Catholics.