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Wagner

(1982)

For those of you who don't have any culture and shit, Wagner was this famous music guy. He's mainly known for doing that one song they play when the helicopters are kicking ass & taking names in Apocalypse Now, but his music has been in a lot of stuff, even a Bugs Bunny cartoon. He's like versatile or whatever. Well, this movie is about his life, but it's super long so I should probably warn you before you think about seeing it that it's a piece of motherfucking shit.

It starts off with his funeral so at first I figured this was gonna be a pretty short movie, but then they go back and show us some of the stuff that happened before that. Dammit. First Wagner gets in like this revolution, but when that doesn't exactly pan out the way he expected he heads for the hills and lets everyone else take the fall (dick). Next he goes to France to mooch off this rich frog bitch for a while, then he travels all over the place looking for handouts, acting like a complete cock, and, since being a musician is like a license to print pussy, laying tons of pipe.* You'd think that at least that would be a good excuse to show some tits, but of course they don't. In fact, that's the main problem with this movie: every time something cool happens they tell us about it but we don't actually see it. Like in one part the narrator guy says Wagner almost drowns running away from all these people he owes money to. Holy shit! How is Wagner going to get out of this one? Try not to dwell on that too much, because they don't bother to show us. Even the stuff they do show is all out of order and you can never figure out what the fuck's going on. Basically the only things that really happen are Wagner sounds off like a pompous ass every five seconds and spends the rest of the time moving his fucking piano around. We see that damn piano moved all kinds of ways: on boats, on wagons, through the snow, on a canal or something... Screw that piano, and screw you, Wagner. This is a stupid, boring, pointless, lame, weak, annoying piece of crap. Watching it is like those times when you wake up but your body doesn't wake up all the way and you feel like you're paralyzed and shit, except that only goes on for a few seconds and this movie goes on for like four and a half hours. Even a part with a bunch of chicks swimming underwater and flashing us some full-frontal doesn't help (well, okay, it helps a little). I hope whoever made this movie is in hell.

*Even though he's already married, and she ain't half bad. You need to take care of your business at home first, Wagner, before I have to come over there and show you how it's done. I like it when chicks wear those old-time dresses with the big fake ass and shit. Baby got back.