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Waterworld

(1995)

It's the future, and apparently Al Gore's evil plan worked because the entire world is flooded. What a dick. Anyway, the main dude in this movie, who's like a cross between Aquaman and Mad Max (duh), has to save this little girl from an evil water ski stunt troupe because they want the map to dry land that's tattooed on her back. Since nobody can actually figure out how to read it how they know it's a map and not, say, a chili recipe is a mystery, but this movie isn't concerned with things like facts because there's a shitload of stuff that needs to explode and only like three hours to do it in. Now the bad guys could just make a copy of the map, let the good guys keep the kid, and everyone would be happy, but instead they kill like a million people and destroy everything in sight so they can kidnap her, then get it handed right back to 'em when the main dude blows up their giant fucking boat to get her back. I mean, seriously, nobody had a pen? This whole movie is unbelievably stupid, but if one single part could be voted king it would have to be when the girl falls into the water while the good guys are escaping in a balloon: the main dude bungee jumps down and grabs her, and of course the three bad guys on jet skis who are trying to catch her all crash into each other Three Stooges style.* In the end this one cat realizes that the reason nobody can read the map is because it's upside down (you goddamned fucking retards), so they finally find land. That seems like it should be the end of the movie, but this flick likes having lots of parts where people are sitting around doing nothing, so it goes on for another ten minutes so they can get some more of that in. I guess they figured why make a movie that's just dumb, when it can be dumb and boring too?

*I guess their jet skis were full of gunpowder, nitroglycerin, and plastic explosive too because those fuckers go up.