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Wild Wild West

(1999)

It's the Old West, and this crazy dude who's missing the bottom half of his body* wants to take over the U.S. with a giant robot spider. I guess nobody good was available, because the President decides to send the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and an idiot who acts like "Frasier" to stop him. The Frasier guy's big shtick is making these inventions that are so fucking complicated and ridiculous that they would never work but of course they do because this movie's stupid, and naturally the Fresh Prince's is being a cocky black guy. I don't think cocky black guys were all that popular back then, but he seems to pull it off so I'm not gonna fault him for going with what works. So anyway, the bad guy gets the upper hand when he steals their magic train or whatever, but then after they have this huge annoying Abbott & Costello routine with some magnets that goes on for like an hour the good guys manage to track him down, throw him off a cliff, and save the day. The dumbest part is at the very end, when the bad guy comes back to life and attacks the Fresh Prince again, then suddenly Enrique Iglesias and a bunch of hot chicks show up. Or maybe those were music videos. But why does this movie have more cross-dressing than To Wong Foo? What the fuck is up with that? It's all completely retarded, plus there's no gore and none of the chicks gets naked. It's the wild wild worst.

*Every time they showed this guy I kept wondering how he takes a crap. Maybe he has copremesis.