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The Wiz

(1978)

These black folks are celebrating Thanksgiving or Kwanzaa or some such shit, but Dorothy's dog Toto runs away from the party and when she chases him outside they get caught in a snow tornado and taken to the magic land of Oz, which, since everyone is black in this movie, is located in the ghetto. I'm not sure what they're trying to say here, but if I was a black person I think I'd be offended and shit. When she lands in Oz Dorothy kills this witch and all these people start celebrating because now they're free from the witch's spell and can get back to their job, which since they're black happens to be running numbers. I'm not sure what the movie is trying to say here, either, but I'm guessing that if I was a black person I'd be offended again. Anyway, everyone tells her that to get home she has to go see the "Wiz", so she has to travel to the Emerald City. Along the way she meets the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion, and since they all want something (typical moolies, always looking for a handout...) they decide to tag along. When they finally find the Wiz (it's just that idiot from Superman III, Jo Jo Dancer or whatever his name is), he tells them that they have to kill the Wicked Witch of the West before he'll give them what they want. You didn't know there even was a Wicked Witch of the West in this movie? Don't worry, that's just because they only mentioned her once at the very beginning and then forgot about her until now. Before they can murder her in cold blood though, the Witch catches them and cuts the Scarecrow in half, mashes the Tin Man flat, and hangs the Lion up by his tail. Dorothy doesn't surrender though, until the Witch threatens to cook her dog. (So she'll let all her friends get mutilated, but gives up when they threaten her pet? What a selfish cunt.) It looks like it's curtains for these clowns, and good riddance, but then Dorothy pulls the fire alarm and the sprinklers go off and the witch melts. Okay, so if water makes you melt, would you even have sprinklers installed in your hideout? I'm guessing no. Fuck this movie.

Seriously, everything about this piece of crap was retarded. I understand it's supposed to be like Black Wizard of Oz, but for example why is there a scarecrow guarding a batch of corn in the middle of the fucking hood? If you're going to change things around like that, at least change them so they make sense. (Like they could have had the scarecrow be a crack dealer instead, and he doesn't have a brain because he smokes too much of his own product or something. The guy without a heart could be a pimp, and the dude with no courage could be that cat who hangs out in front of the convenience store all day talking smack about all the niggas he supposedly capped, but then jumps in the dumpster & hides when a car backfires.) Plus I don't know exactly how many songs were in this movie (I think around 600), but almost every single one of them sucked complete ass. There's also all these weird parts that don't make any sense at all, like when these garbage cans try to eat the Scarecrow. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? The worst thing though are the parts that are just totally creepy and fucked-up: like these carvings of faces that come to life to help the Tin Man sing, or the graffiti people that climb off the walls in the beginning and start chanting "Toto" and coming after Dorothy. Fuck, I'm gonna wake up screaming at least a few times before I die because I saw that shit. You wouldn't think a pretty-much innocent (but stupid) idea for a movie like "Let's make Wizard of Oz, except with black people!" could be so goddamned horrific, but here's the fucking proof.