This movie goes down in Russia, so all the Rs in the credits are backwards. So clever! The story's about some ugly bitch who visits her dead parents' farm, where she meets this guy who says he's her twin. ("Do we look like brother and sister to you?" she says. Well, you both look like men...) Before long they get hassled by zombie duplicates of themselves and the brother gets eaten by the floor, but this in no way suggests to the main chick that she should, I dunno, maybe leave or something, so pretty soon her zombie twin catches her and... tongues her down. What the fuck? Is there even a word for a person who makes out with someone who is a) the same sex b) dead and c) themselves? If not, I want full credit for inventing it: "homo·necro·ego·philia". (Also I think getting it on with yourself counts as incest in some states, but homonecroegophilia has enough prefixes already.)

At this point the main chick finally decides to get outta Compton, but she can't because this is one of those fucktarded movies where people walk away from someplace but then magically end up right back where they started. This, of course, is one of the cheapest, laziest horror movie cop-outs of all time, but what makes it extra pathetic in this case is that it's completely unnecessary: the farm is on an island and we already know that the chick can't swim. Later the brother reappears, everyone goes back in time, pigs eat the brother (is there anything that won't eat this guy?), there's a big twist that might have been amazing if it actually mattered on any level whatsoever, and this miserable puddle of cunt vomit finally ends when the main chick drives a truck into the river.

You know that infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters who eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare? I think this might be one of their earlier efforts.

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