Remember when Stephen King remade The Kingdom and added a talking cartoon anteater? What an asshole, right? Well, he wasn't the only guy to toss off in his hat and throw it into that particular ring; the cat who came up with Beverly Hills 90125 made his own Kingdom ripoff and got that sucker onto the tube a full three years before Steve-O's version came out. Okay, fine, it was on fucking UPN and got cancelled after six episodes, but hey, at least it didn't have a talking anteater. Let's check it out:

Episode 1: Wow, the main guy is a young, brilliant, idealistic doctor. This is a hospital show all right. And get this- he's also a rebel who questions authority and rides a motorcycle! Jesus Christ, this is pissing me off already. Anyway, he gets a gig at the greatest hospital in the universe, a hospital so awesome it has its own nuclear reactor (what?). It turns out the hospital is haunted, but it's like a farce; there's so much crazy, supernatural shit is going down that it's impossible to believe that this place hasn't been shut down by the state or completely demolished by the coming of Gozer ages ago. Seriously, it's more like a show about ghosts who are haunted by the occasional doctor. Things are so out of hand that in one part all these ghosts just pop out of the wall and drag off a senior staff member for absolutely no reason! I don't care how good the benefits are or how often they forget to lock up the meds, who wants to have go in every day and put up with shit like that?

Episode 2: The main guy's best friend is in a wheelchair, and it's kind of the main guy's fault. He gets cured by a mad doctor, but then in order to save the main guy from falling off a fire escape he fucks himself up again and ends up right back in the wheelchair. The irony, right? What the hell were those idiots doing hanging around up there anyway? Duh.

Episode 3: This kid thinks he's seeing into the future, but it turns out he's really a devil baby owned by the hospital. I guess. Something heavy is supposed to happen to him at midnight on his 18th birthday (maybe he's scheduled to turn into a pumpkin), but his dad sets himself on fire with seconds to spare and somehow that fixes everything. Oh wait, twist ending, no it doesn't! He's evil! EVIL!

Note: Nothing else ever comes of this.

Episode 4: Flesh-melting virus. Ten bucks says this was an unused script for The Burning Zone.

Main Guy: "I'd like to do a heart scan; it's just gonna take a look at your heart."
Chick Who's Into Him: "I've never shown anybody my heart before."

I hate this show.

Episode 6: Holy pissburgers, this episode is awesome. It's got near-death experiences, a crooked clown, funny jokes, a sexy Asian nurse, ruthless murders, a scalpel attack, a cool twist ending, and a demon named "Roger". I honestly can't believe this is even the same program. For real, how does someone order up six episodes of a television show and not notice that one of them rocks and the other five totally suck primate sack? Does anybody even review these things before they go on the air, or do they just pick names out of a hat and hope for the best?

I swear, I'll never understand you network TV fucks.