Why is Santa Claus's daughter always depicted as being so goddamned hot? Not that I'm complaining, mind you, it's just that you'd assume she'd be, well, you know, kinda fat. In this movie she's so fine they had to get the redhead from Accepted to play her, but they do balance this out by making her so obnoxiously chipper that I almost didn't want to fuck her.

So, it seems that it's her time to go out into the real world and see if she likes it better than life at the North Pole (I guess the Clauses are Amish), so she throws a dart at a spinning globe and it lands right on... Los Angeles. Because not enough fucking movies take place there already. For real, could just one of you Hollywood assclowns show a little imagination once in a while? I mean, how about having that dart land smack dab in the middle of Algeria? Now that would be an interesting movie. Best of all, if you shot it on location maybe some of you wouldn't come back.

As for the plot, well, the pitch was obviously "It's Elf, with a hot chick," but it's one thing when it's a 6'3" dude who's hopelessly obsessed with Christmas and naive to the point of retardation, and another thing entirely when it's a ridiculously tasty chick with no combat training. Frankly it probably counts as a holiday miracle every second she hasn't been lured into the back of a van with a plate of cookies and gang-raped to within an inch of her life. It's a good thing her dad is keeping tabs on her through his magical television set, although I'm not so sure it was wise of him to let the head elf know that this is possible. ("I was just looking for the game, Santa! I didn't know she was in the shower!") Beyond this basic setup it's all pretty random: Santa's daughter saves a toy store and a Christmas pageant, and falls in love, while the head elf engages in some underhanded shamfoolery until he finally gets caught less because the good guys did anything proactive and more because it was just about time to wrap things up. Really, Christmas movies don't get much more pointless or insipid than this. They should've at least had the decency to show Santa's daughter naked.

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