Oh Crystal Bernard, why can't I resist your wholesome, Midwestern charms? And the accompanying urge to unload in your face until you cry? In this flick, Crystal lets her friend Traci Lords (Traci Lords?) borrow her identity, but then Traci dies and suddenly everything goes all wonky and Crystal has no choice but to assume Traci's identity to solve the mystery. And let me tell you, Crystal Bernard dressed like Traci Lords is one of the hottest things I have ever seen in my entire goddamned life. For real, it was like realizing that chocolate goes good with peanut butter, or whipped cream goes good with tits. That alone makes this worth watching, but there's also a completely gratuitous car chase, a guy thrown off a balcony, some punching, and about halfway through Rosewood from Beverly Hills Cop shows up for some extra "What the fuck?" value. It sucks that probably the only thing that will ever star Crystal Bernard and Traci Lords doesn't have a part where they kiss, but other than that this movie rocks.