So, they finally did it. They finally remade Assault on Precinct 13, except with a sasquatch. At least the sasquatch isn't a goddamned cartoon, and this movie does have a few cool parts, like when Sassy squashes this yippy little dog, or where he blasts one guy with an entire mailbox. There's lots of gore and crazy violence actually, and even some tits (they only clock in at average, but hey, I'll take it). Given the level of insanity I can forgive some unbelievably bad acting (eyepatch guy) and the part where you can see the moviemakers in a window (look behind the cop who gets stabbed in the throat), but what I can't forgive are the two comedic relief nerds who are trying to get video of the sasquatch. For real, these wretched fucks are annoying beyond belief and they literally cost the movie two stars, one for each of them. Which ultimately puts it at, well, zero stars. Tough break, makers of Assault of the Sasquatch. You should've reined those assholes in a little bit. Especially the fat one.

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