Is there some law now that all Stephen King TV movies have to be shown over multiple nights and be at least four hours long (including commercials)? Sure, his books are usually pretty thick (I killed a fully-grown opossum with one once), but it's a well-known fact that he's kind of a windbag so the people who make the movie versions really need to hire a fucking editor and pare these bitches down to their essentials. This one stars Remington Steele (AKA the worst James Bond ever) as a writer named "Noonan" (heh) who's so in love with his wife that you know she'll be dead before the first commercial break. Frankly I was surprised she wasn't hit by a meteor the second she appeared on camera. Sure enough, she eats it, after which he relocates to their lake house where he starts getting messages from her ghost. That seems like plenty of plot for a typical movie plus 90 minutes of filler, but wait, there's more. One day Rem goes into town for a burger and some forced, clumsily-provided backstory, and suddenly he's caught up in this custody battle between some chick and... Okay, is this even the same program? I guess his wife's ghost does tell him to help this chick out, but really, why should we give two shits about her? Some other stuff happens, but the whole thing moves like a snail out for a Sunday drive and nothing really important goes down until the beginning of the second half, which is where this goddamned movie probably should have picked up the story in the first place. For real, they could've eliminated the entire first hour and replaced it with one conversation:

Caretaker: "Good to see you, Mr. Noonan. Where's Mrs. Noonan?"
Noonan: "She died."
Caretaker: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Noonan."
Noonan: "It's funny though... sometimes I feel like, somehow, she's trying to contact me."
[Pause]
Caretaker: "Noonan!"
Noonan: "I really don't appreciate that right now, Bill."

Unfortunately, the second half replaces "boring" with "jaw-droppingly stupid". Take the part where this old lady pushes our main guy off a cliff into the lake and then beans him in the noggin with a well-aimed rock. As far as felony assault goes it's pretty embarrassing and ridiculous, but it's still felony assault so why doesn't he call the pigs? Hell, for that matter why doesn't he call the pigs after the old geezer he confronts at the nursing home confesses to a decades-old double murder? (That probably deserves a spoiler warning, but don't sweat it- you'll be asleep long before you reach this part.) I haven't even gotten to the hysterical, out-of-nowhere assassination; or the fight with the tree; or the townsfolk's totally-unclear-on-the-concept plan to thwart the local curse that makes select people kill their own kids (killing the kid themselves). I could go on, but I think it'll be a lot easier to just tell you what this movie isn't: scary, gory, exciting, interesting, coherent, or good. I think that just about covers it.

Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.