I know Tim Conway was famous before he became Dorf on Golf, but the Dorf videos are so eye-gougingly awful that they completely invalidate anything else he ever did. He could have cured cancer, world hunger, and the clap, and he'd still be the asshole who made terrible jokes while standing in a hole in the ground.

With Dorf involved I naturally assumed that this flick would be the height of low-brow idiocy, and at first I wasn't disappointed. By which I mean I was disappointed, obviously. But then this conversation occurred:

Little Kid: "I told my old man when I grew up I wanted to be just like you."
Dorf: "You did? What'd he say?"
Little Kid: "He hit me."

Okay, I have to admit it. That's fucking comedy. Unfortunately, that's the first, last, and only funny thing that happens in this movie. The premise is that Dorf has to ride the rails like a hobo to impress a former hobo turned millionaire, but then they forget all about this almost immediately and go off on some tangent about these crooks dognapping a Shar Pei. ("Shar Pei" is Chinese for "dog".) For real, why did they even bother setting up the whole hobo gimmick when it has nothing to do with the story whatsoever??? Instead, Dorf spends the entire movie foiling the dognappers, or, to be more accurate, his dog foils the dognappers while he just sits there twiddling his balls. Truth be told, this seems less like a real movie and more like some awful, failed TV series that no one watched because Supertrain was on at the same time. In fact, now that I think about it, the thing it reminds me of most is The Jerk, Too, which is the movie critic's equivalent of a Jew saying that dinner reminded him of the food they used to serve at Dachau. That's right, Tim Conway, you've got me so mad I'm breaking out the concentration camp references again. I hope you're satisfied, you miserable, no-talent fuck. In a just world, you would have fallen under one of the trains you hop in this flick and wound up with sawed-off Dorf legs for real.