Video Picks for Perverts
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(2000)
This movie is amazing, bad, creepy, and dumb, sometimes all at once. The main guy from Burn Notice is running these Blair Witch tours, but one night everyone in the tour group blacks out, all their shit gets ripped off, and one of them - a chick - has a miscarriage. Seems like this would be a good time to give the Blair Witch fandom a rest and become Browncoats or something, but these clowns can't let it go so they all hole up at the Burn Notice guy's pad and before long there's horror. Too bad it's all so fucking random and incomprehensible. Frankly, the part where the Burn Notice guy is talking to the local sheriff on the phone while he's simultaneously watching him live on television is way more surreal than any of the actual supernatural stuff that goes down. If you like spooky movies and don't care if they make any sense or not I guess this flick is okay, but if you ask me the only real draw is the little Wiccan chick who [SPOILER WARNING, HIGHLIGHT TO READ] -------------------- The secret of ESREVER! Aaaaaaaah! Oh no! Duh. -------------------- [END SPOILER WARNING] dies first. Ha ha! The fact that she dies first is the real spoiler. Gotcha. Seriously though, this chick is hot-tastic beyond all previously accepted definitions of the word. There is no part of her body, and nothing her body could produce, that I wouldn't be willing to put in my mouth: Blessed be. Please sleep with me. Since the first Blair Witch movie was just one big gimmick, Part 2 needed to include at least a half-assed gimmick: it's called "the secret of ESREVER", and it's hopelessly gay. Basically, you rewind the tape and write down these letters, then watch the movie again and look for clues or something. Honestly, did they really think anyone was gonna waste their time pissing around with this silly crap? I assure you, Blair Witch producers, most of us have better things to do. |
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YOU don't have to PUT UP with the HIP.
