If you've ever heard Citizen Kane pretend to be humble or flip out over some frozen peas you know what a self-important SOB he was, so I'll bet he loved it when people reminded him that he was in this piece of crap. He probably tried to suck off every... Oops, wait a minute, that's not Citizen Kane, it's Perry Mason. Well, they're basically the same guy.

It seems that everyone in the jungle wants to fuck the boss's wife: "She looks good to any man. That's a compliment to you," someone tells her husband. ("Thanks. I fell in love with her the second I realized I was so awesome.") Perry Mason gets dibs after he makes her a widow by pushing the husband down in the general vicinity of a non-venomous snake, subsequently becoming husband #2 in record fucking time. Seriously, I don't think #1 had even reached room temperature yet. The local witch decides to balance the books, so she doses Perry with a mysterious drug that makes him think that he's sporadically turning into a gorilla. This leads to several questions, the most important one being: Where do I get the shit this old bat has access to? Seriously, the drugs in bad movies are always so much better than the drugs in real life could ever hope to be. Somebody needs to sequester themselves in a lab and perfect this gorilla stuff, pronto. Can you imagine that shit kicking in right in the middle of a job interview? Or during a traffic stop? Man, your life would never be boring again. And best of all, I'm relatively certain that it's impossible to successfully prosecute a gorilla. Of course there's probably a better-than-average chance that you'd end up riddled with bullets and falling off the rollercoaster you just climbed, but hey, that's the price you pay, junkie.

Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.