
Video Picks for Perverts
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(1984)
Apparently Bruce Lee wrote a secret book of spells or something before he was murdered by CIA clones, and now everybody wants it. This, naturally, leads to kung fu, but the guy who currently owns the book, Jack Lee,* manages to hang onto it, despite being attacked by several dudes at once. The main bad guy can't believe that this one cat is able to take out so many people: "Only in the movies could it happen," he says. The proof is in the pounding though, so our main bad tries a different approach: sending a sexy tramp to fuck Jack Lee and then steal the book. She only manages to complete half of her assignment though, so main bad guy has her whacked. Totally desperate now, the bad guys break out the one thing that trumps kung fu and pussy- bullets. One of them pulls a gun on Jack Lee and they tie him to a chair, but when he literally starts to kick their asses with both hands tied behind his back they have no choice but to lock him up until they can figure out what to do next. Meanwhile, and you're gonna laugh, Jack Lee doesn't even have the book anymore. He gave it to his buddy, who's currently at a cockfight with his date (classy). Afterwards he gets attacked by some bad guys too, but I'm not entirely sure if they're after the book, or if they're just the usual bad element you run into outside of all-night cockfights. Either way, the buddy prevails and we return to Jack Lee, who escapes and then goes back to his motel room to take a nap. The main bad guy has had it by this point, so he rounds up everyone he can find, wakes Jack Lee up, and insists on fighting him one-on-one. Hey, I dunno; I guess he wanted a bunch of witnesses or something. Frankly all this kung fu is getting pretty monotonous, and I guess the bad guys agree because one of them finally proves my point about bullets and puts an end to it by shooting Jack Lee in the back, although the scene is so poorly done that we only figure this out later. The bad guys finally manage to find the book, but then the buddy tracks them down to their palatial crib (why are bad guys always so rich?) and, using all the kung fu at his disposal, proceeds to kick every ass in the place. Why nobody ever thinks to just shoot the buddy too is beyond me. I mean, at this point it really is a no-brainer. *No relation. Or hell, maybe he is supposed to be Bruce Lee's brother or something. Who knows? Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.
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YOU don't have to PUT UP with the HIP.