The setup is no worse than a million other wretched Xmas flicks (Santa has 30 days to make three angry kids appreciate the joy of giving or Yoko will cancel Christmas), but fuck me did this one go off the rails. Hey, I get that any talentless asswipe can make a movie these days, but when said movie is actually being shown on a major cable network (okay, fine, the Hallmark Channel) I think I'm well within my rights to expect something a little more professional. I mean seriously, I pay for cable. Well, most people do, anyway. The whole thing feels like some chintzy film festival movie, the acting reeks of "Who here will work for free?", and Santa's village looks like one of those collectable ceramic Christmas towns your grandma used to set up every year and you inevitably appropriated as a World War Part 2 toy soldier battlefield. (Helpful hint: you can simulate artillery fire with strategically-placed M-80s.)

Did I mention how much the acting sucks? Well it's worth mentioning again. The guy playing Santa is especially bad, but you can tell that he was either completely baked the entire time or just straight-up didn't give a damn and either way it's kind of hard to blame him. Way worse is the infuriating asshat who plays his elf sidekick. Let me tell you, listening to this detestable fuck's laugh is like chewing on tinfoil with your brain. I would murder this shrill, cackling shitstain in front of God, and no matter how many eternal damnations He sentenced me to it would totally be worth it. Getting back to Santa, instead of relying on honesty or Christmas magic (which is such a crutch) he achieves his goals primarily through the use of blackmail, but that's nothing compared to the terrible advice this teacher doles out to one kid's dad:

Teacher: "Remember, Farley wouldn't be so angry if he didn't love you."

Yeah, that's what they said about my cousin's abusive husband too. Hey, Dad, maybe "Farley" is angry because you gave him a dog's name. There's also a brief but highly-appreciated private schoolgirl water fight, a part where the moviemakers are reflected in the side of a car (in the movie biz, not understanding how reflective surfaces work is the number one indicator that you're dealing with bush-league amateurs), and I think the last few minutes are actually a commercial for a wheelchair.

Dick almighty. If they were gonna cancel anything, it should've been this awful movie.

Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.