In this case, of course, "classic" means "old enough to use for free". This tape is over four hours long, so it would be the perfect thing to keep the rugrats out of your hair if it wasn't so fucking lame that even little kids won't want to watch it. Here's what's on it:

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1944) This version takes place in some fucked-up surreal reindeer land where reindeer wear clothes, live in houses (when Santa discovers Rudolph, he's sleeping in bed), and climb trees. Jesus, can you imagine if deer could climb trees in real life? How would you get away from one that was trying to eat you then?

The Snow Queen (1957) All these kids want Art Linkletter to read them The Snow Queen, but he convinces them to watch the movie instead. Lazy fuck. Anyway, the Snow Queen (she looks like She-Ra's frigid half-sister) gets pissed when this kid disses her, so she kidnaps him and freezes his heart. His girl comes looking for him, but she ends up getting kidnapped by a different witch who steals her memory, and after she escapes from her she gets kidnapped again by a crazy, knife-wielding dyke. What is wrong with these kids? At any rate she eventually finds her boo and then everything just magically fixes itself - with no effort on anyone's part whatsoever - by falling out of the writer's ass. Weak.

Santa and the Three Bears (1970) I already reviewed this bizarre shit here.

The Little Christmas Burro (1978) Ditto

The Alpha-Bots Christmas (2004) As Superman once said, "Welcome to the bottom of the barrel." This piece of fucking crap would make even the biggest Pollyanna Christmas lover shit themselves with fury. Basically it's just these awful cartoon-effect robots flying around doing nothing. There's 26 of them ("A-Bot", "B-Bot", "C-Bot", etc.), they're all different, and they make damn sure we get a good look at each and every one of the bastards. In fact, in one part they all introduce themselves, one at a time. It's fucking infuriating and...

Okay, hold up. I think I see what's going on here, so let me clear something up for these pinheads: No one is going to make a toy line out of your awful fucking cartoon. Even if they did (proving, as a corollary, that there is no God), obviously anyone who got an "Alpha-Bot" would immediately think of the video and would get so angry that they would smash it with a rock. In fact, I think most people would be so pissed that they wouldn't even take the time to go outside and find a rock, they'd probably just throw it against the nearest wall or possibly flip out completely and try to eat the fucking thing. And then "Alpha-Bots LLC" would have a class-action lawsuit on its hands. Which would be awesome.