It's really hard to take this movie seriously because I know Conan is Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is fucking goofy. "Stick around." "It's not a tumor!" "I call them girly men." Back when this first came out Arnold wasn't the joke he is now and it wasn't such a big deal, but post-Twins? Forget it. And what is with the main bad guy? It's that fat black dude who does Darth Vader's voice and yes he sounds relatively badass, but he looks way too soft to be kicking ass and taking names in Conan times. Seriously, he reminds me of the fat guy in accounting who comes to the office Halloween party dressed as a Viking and stands there eating cheese dip the whole time looking totally ridiculous so for the next year everyone calls him "The Cheese Dip Viking". Even Jingle All the Way Schwarzenegger could take this guy out.

The movie isn't a total wash though. I like the part where the Asian cat who's training Conan kicks this other guy in the balls for absolutely no reason, Conan punches out a camel, Conan's entourage fights cartoon ghosts, and towards the end Conan and company crash an orgy and completely demolish the place. Plus there's a crazy witch (how I love them; any crazy witches wanna get a drink this weekend?), an awesome giant snake, the amazing color-changing flowers, tits ranging from superior to mediocre, and of course plenty of gory violence. It does drag in places, but that's okay because that gives you plenty of time to grab another beer from the fridge before somebody else gets decapitated.

Special shout-out to the princess they rescue-kidnap towards the end. What's better than "super hot"? Mega hot? Ultra hot? Jumbo hot? She's all that and more.