Again with this shit? Conan movies generally bore the piss out of me, mainly because they never have enough mythological creatures in them despite the fact that they go down in some vague, Dungeons & Dragons style time period. Shirtless guys sword fighting is all well and good if you're into that sort of thing (fag), but for my money a flick like this needs monsters, and lots of them. This does have all the blood and violence and tiresome badassery you would expect from a Conan movie, but truth be told it all wears a little thin after a while, and parts of the big fight at the end are just too much to deal with, like when they're stuck down a well or something on this big round thing that keeps... I dunno, slipping, I guess, and flipping over and over like a coin, sort of. See, it's so ridiculously complicated that I can't even describe it, much less buy that it's happening to anyone. In the end, the best thing about this movie is the bad guy's cruel, bloodthirsty, goth, incest-world-be-best-if-I-could-just-talk-my-dad-into-it daughter (so my type). She was yummy fine and I was pretty irritated when Conan cut her hand off and then pushed her over a ledge and she fell to her death. I'll tell ya, I would've paid good, cash money to get to that while it was still warm.

Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.