If you can get past the fact that John Constantine, the biggest badass in the entire DC universe, is played by (Bill &) Ted, this is actually a passable movie. Unfortunately, there is no getting past that because seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??? Honestly, outside of those Bill & Ted 3 rumors, why is this guy even still working? The story involves Ted's half-assed attempts to stop some crooked angels and demons from pulling this ridiculous apocalyptic scam, but the main story generally takes a backseat to the endless parade of random crap pretending to be "history" or "backstory" or some such shit. Look, idiots, this is the first movie- there shouldn't be all this goofy mythology to deal with. That's why people don't bother reading the actual comics these comic book flicks are based on in the first place- it's all too damn silly and complicated. And even when you strip this movie down to the basics it doesn't make very much sense. For example, Ted is all resigned to the fact that he's damned to Hell when he dies, but at one point he fucks with this demon by threatening to pardon all its sins and send it to Heaven. If he can pardon a demon's sins and get it into Heaven, why can't someone else just do the same thing for him? Especially seeing as his crimes - trying to kill himself once; being a shitty actor - are relatively minor. Frankly I think he just likes feeling sorry for himself. To be fair, there are a couple of freaky bits (the scene where this one dude is trying to drink a bunch of alcohol but can't is the most horrible thing I've ever seen), but overall this flick just a huge waste of time. And what is with the ending? Ted basically wins by going to the bad guy's dad and telling. Wow, that's so much more satisfying then having him solve the problem by using his brains or punching. Give me a christing break.

Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.