Okay, so this couple with a new baby moves into an old house that the back of the DVD case assures me is haunted. Sounds like a movie to me, but 45 minutes in nothing has happened yet! Are you kidding me? If this was an episode of A Haunting they'd already be up to the part where professional scum artist Lorraine Warren was declaring the house "clean". This movie had so much nothing going on that I had to rewind it constantly to make sure I wasn't missing stuff, because I was getting distracted by almost everything:

• The rain outside

• The next movie I was planning on watching, and how much it would probably suck

• The straw in my carbonated beverage slowly bobbing up & down, up & down...

• A little frog who somehow got onto my porch. I named him Louis the Pious.

• Some FBI broad calling and screaming into my answering machine about a meeting I had completely forgotten about. Christ, just tell the kid's parents that she's fine and the demands haven't changed. We can reschedule for next week or something.

Things finally take a turn for the hilariously stupid when the main guy asks the beyond batshit old bag who lives over the river and through the (theoretically) haunted woods if she'll babysit for them. What in the hand-driven fuck? I can't image any possible interaction with this loony-ass bitch that wouldn't end with stabbing, and yet he wants to leave her alone with an infant? Christ, it would be a best case scenario if she only cooked and ate part of him. (The old bag says no, by the way, so ultimately this entire scene is completely pointless. Of course, why should it be any different from every other scene so far?) Later the main guy has these dreams where the baby keeps dying in hilariously slapstick ways, and eventually everyone starts acting and talking like the place is undeniably haunted, even though there's no actual evidence of this whatsoever. Huh, maybe this is an episode of A Haunting. After an hour and 22 minutes, the ghost finally decides to honor us with its presence (so sorry to be making all these demands on your time, your fucking majesty) and props where they're etc., the rest of the movie is pretty freaky. If they had cut out all the nothing it might've been worth watching, but the clown who made this is obviously the type of blowhard who could turn an anecdote about seeing Charlie Sheen at the grocery store into a Lluis Colet speech and frankly I've got better things to do with my time. Okay, not really, but fuck this movie anyway.