This starts with them cutting back and forth between their main guy and a completely different, real guy winning the Olympics. It's hilariously fake and embarrassing, and a pretty good indicator what the rest of the movie will be like. Next we go to a farm, because only so many cats can be on the Wheaties box and other than that former Olympic stars aren't good for much except working on a farm or possibly taking my lunch order. Sorry, Olympic hopefuls, but it's true. Anyway, our main guy wakes up and HOLY SHIT HE'S ONLY GOT ONE LEG! It turns out our boy - we'll call him "Hoppy" - got his leg caught in the grain harvester (Ha! Welcome to Ohio.), severely hindering his Olympic dream of being famous for approximately 3 minutes. But is he going to give up? Frankly I wish he would because then this lame-ass flick would be over, but you know that's not gonna happen. Instead, we get a bunch of low-grade histrionics ("I'm gonna trash all my trophies!"; "Oh no! Hoppy's canoeing right into some rapids!"); several trite, valuable lessons ("Treat the land fair and it'll treat you fair back." What the hell does that have to do with anything?); and of course frozen-frames of everyone cheering when he proves that crippled people can do anything, including boring the absolute shit out of us.

Some good did come out of watching this though. It honestly helped me understand how people deal with tragedy, because I went through that whole Keebler-Ross thing while I was watching it: Denial ("Maybe this movie will get better."); Anger ("This movie is fucking terrible! It's fucking bullshit!"); Bargaining ("If this movie is over in the next five minutes, I promise I'll let her orgasm first tonight."); Depression ("What's the point? It's never gonna end. It's never gonna end..."); and, finally, Acceptance ("This movie sucks.").

This movie sucks.