This chick's fiancé has gone missing, and when you see her you'll understand why. Ug-ly. She won't let it go though, so she asks a pilot to fly her and her party - made up of a token jerk who will undoubtedly betray everybody, and a default main guy who's totally in love with her - to his last known location, a mysterious valley in Mexico that's off limits to everybody. Of course the mayor of Mexico tells her that it ain't gonna happen, and he even sends an off-duty security guard with them to make sure they go back home, but the jerk just punches the security guard out and they fly into the off-limits area anyway! Ha! When will you learn that your Mickey Mouse laws don't apply to Americans, Mexico? Things don't exactly go as planned though- for one thing, the jerk isn't exactly discriminating as to who he punches out, so he clobbers the pilot next and they almost crash. Then, once they land in the mysterious valley, they find out that it's full of giant radioactive monsters, including a lizard, a rat, a hawk, a tarantula... (Or the ghost of a tarantula, anyway- you can see right through the fucker!) "Why are they so large?" asks the chick, with all the shock and awe of someone asking the manager of Chik-fil-A why they aren't open on Sunday. (The reason, incidentally, is because the people who own Chik-fil-A are Bible-thumping fuckbags.) And then there's the "Cyclops", a gigantic dude with a half-melted face wearing nothing except some rags to cover his shame, by which I mean his junk, not the special effects. See, these monsters are all actual animals (and an actual dude) made to look giant through tricky photography, so for the most part it looks cheesy as hell. In fact, on a couple occasions this shit actually looks worse than cartoon effects. Like what is with the part where the Cyclops first picks up the main chick? This effect is so cheap and laughable and lazy that I can't even figure out how to communicate it via the written word- I'd have to visit you in person and take an especially smelly shit, right in the middle of your living room. Anyway, it should come as no surprise that the Cyclops is the missing dude the good guys have been looking for, but he's definitely too far gone to rescue by this point, so the default main guy kills him by stabbing him in the eye with a stick. This doesn't kill the Cyclops outright of course, but you know how people are- he keeps worrying it and I guess he accidentally shoved it into his brain or something. However it happened, the Cyclops/missing dude is definitely a memory now, which leaves the default main guy free to take up with his suck-ugly bitch. So, as you can see, everybody loses.

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