This is definitely backyard cinema, but at first it looks like it might be okay. I mean, they have boats and everything. But then I saw the monster and...

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Seriously, look at this thing:

Are you kidding me? I cannot believe these clowns were willing to put in all the time and effort it (theoretically) took to make this movie, but weren't willing to cough up fifty bucks to rent a monster costume that looks better than that. Hell, if "better than that" was all they were shooting for, a tenner spread around the Walgreen's Halloween aisle probably would've done the trick. At any rate, word about the goofy-ass thing gets out, and before long this defrocked military cat shows up because he wants to use to the monster to, what else, create the ultimate soldier.

Sweet Kimber Riddle in the morning. Could this be any more "every movie ever made"?

This flick isn't entirely shit you've heard a million times before, though. Sometimes it's shit you can't believe you're hearing just the once:

Bimbo: "Some people don't die, and sometimes when they don't die, it's worse than death."

Eyepatch Guy: "I think I'm gonna be blind soon."
Hideous, Manly Bitch: "Dude that sucks."
Eyepatch Guy: "Yeah."

(It would be totally unfair not to mention the one truly brilliant line in this movie though, which comes right after the military cat's cronies riddle the main guy with bullets:

Military Cat: "Make this look like an accident. Put him in a wood chipper or something!")

Moronic nonsense falling out of people's pie holes isn't the only thing wrong with this flick: whole chunks of the story seem to be missing too. For example, at one point the main guy and his friends are just getting out of bed, then suddenly they're outside, being chased by the monster! The shift was so disorienting it was like getting blackout drunk on New Year's Eve and then coming to at the Super Bowl... one year earlier. When a movie is this dumb and bad there's only one thing that can save it: naked hotties. The prime candidate here should've been the main guy's girlfriend, but her tits are so freakishly huge that I'm surprised she doesn't topple forward and then bounce six feet into the air, and I think they assumed, correctly, that the general public isn't capable of even comprehending surgery that extensive. So, no tits either. Long story short, this flick is a complete disaster.

There are some pretty mountains in the background though. You know, I think I'd like to visit the mountains someday.