Holy shit, Satanism Friends, it's the Pretentious Alert! People talking like Shakespeare, check! Pronouncing "ocean" oh-say-en, check! Parts where some of the picture is out of focus and some of it isn't which is supposed to look all freaky but just made me think that I was developing glaucoma, check! The story's about this cat Faustus, who chooses pussy over bible study and eventually sells his soul to the Devil. At first all this nets him is a wife who's way past her prime and some hookers who may or may not have sores on their lips, so he starts to waffle until these demons patiently explain to him that he can be king of the world if he wants. So what does he do next? He throws together a little magic act and takes it on the road! Yeah, I don't get it either. Later he turns himself invisible, sneaks into a church meeting, and makes farting noises. Wow, I never knew the story of Doctor Faustus was so much like a Scott Baio movie. In the end Faustus burns in Hell, but hey, at least he got a few free drinks along the way, right? Seriously, what a God-damned retard. Literally.

Best Line: "Run, Faustus, run!" Ha ha! Brilliant.