Double Ds, a double shot of bourbon, double your money back... all good things. But a double wedding? No thanks. Even if you like weddings, why would you want to share yours with anyone besides the person you're marrying and several family members and close friends who utterly decimated the open bar and nudged your final tab into the quintuple digits? Why do we know so many drunks, anyway? For real, I think some of them are legitimate alcoholics. Especially that whore sister of yours. I swear I saw her drinking hairspray once. That lush is not welcome in our home. I'm dead serious.

Where was I? Oh yeah. In this flick, a pair of mediocre twins end up dating the same guy. Here's the kicker though: due to a series of this movie is fucking stupid, he thinks they're the same chick! And to this I say: Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME???? I know some people think that it's childish and hateful that I wish actual physical harm on the bozos who make some of these movies, but what would you do? I mean, you pop in a DVD and all you ask is to be slightly entertained, or at the very least temporarily distracted from how much your life is a total bucket of suck, but instead the movie endlessly fucks you by being so goddamned insulting to your intelligence that the person who made it might as well be calling you an asshole to your face, right there in your own home, while eating the breakfast burrito you were saving for tomorrow morning and anally raping your daughter. The part where the dude's cell phone gets fucked up so that he's talking to both sisters at once and they just happen to say the exact same thing simultaneously is so beyond infuriating that I wanted to throttle everyone involved and then piss on their corpses. Seriously, makers of Double Wedding, who in the cum-encrusted glory hole of fuck do you think you are to talk down to me like this? I should shove my fist up each and every one of your asses and give you kidney punches from the inside. I should knock all your fucking teeth out and use them to make a necklace which I subsequently strangle you with. I should use a razor blade dipped in shit to...

Wait, what? Did someone out there just say to themselves that this is just a silly, lighthearted comedy and I shouldn't take it so seriously? Allow me to present my counter-argument:

If you're content to sit there and let a bunch of sub-Hollywood cunts who can't even make a movie that plays in actual theaters condescend to you that's your business, but I'm not gonna take it anymore. I am the 99%, and I demand movies that make sense and have tits in them! I hereby call for revolución! Storm Wall Street! Occupy the White House! Deutschland über alles! Cast off the shackles of middle class indentured servitude and follow me to...

Oops, hold that thought, it's 4:20. Time to light one up. We'll do that other stuff later.

Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.