Some assassins are chasing this guy and his son, who has magical powers. The guy gets shot and they have to split up, but they both escape. The guy goes to a monastery to recover, asks the chief monk if he can look at their scrolls, and then tells him all about the time he knocked up his wife (his own wife, I mean, not the monk's, but that's still too much information). Meanwhile, the chinks finally decide to nuke us, so now it's war. You'd think that would be a pretty important development, but apparently not because the movie switches to this car crash in France. Some frog cops are on the scene, but nobody's hurt and they all watch while this big, insultingly fake (un)special effect bursts out of the ground. Seriously, it looks like they just glued a piece of construction paper onto a picture of some mountains. It's fucking pathetic. Back at the monastery, the main guy gets all excited about a bookmark. Then Lando Calrissian arrives via helicopter. They go to look at the unspecial effect, which is apparently supposed to be a big rock. (Also they tell us the rock's sign- it's a Taurus.) "Thousands" of people show up to worship the rock (I freeze-framed and counted about 25), including one guy in a straightjacket. Okay, really, I want to hear that cat's story- it's gotta be way more interesting than anything we've seen so far. The main guy, a cute chick, and some army dudes go inside the rock. The main guy and one of the army dudes get attacked by a flying sea anemone and wake up in this white room, where a third joker shoots the main guy. Then he's back in the rock, and a few minutes later he's all better. They interrogate the clown who shot him, but all this chump does is talk smack so the main guy punches him in the face. Another fake-looking rock pops out of the ground in Russia. The main guy and the army dudes decide to explore that one too, but they don't bother to set up any security or anything so the bad guys just listen outside their tent, find out all their plans, and follow them inside where they have a gunfight. When the dust clears everybody's dead except for the main guy and the chick. They try to arrest the main guy so he blows himself up with a grenade, but then his magical son turns up and brings him back to life. The two of them walk over to the rock and watch it turn into a spaceship and fly away. The end.

Your guess is as good as mine.