I don't think I've ever talked about how much I hate horses, so this is as good a time as any. First off, any chick over the age of 15 who's really into horses is guaranteed to be a useless, flakey twat. It's an even bigger red flag than if she believes in astrology. In fact, if there was such a thing as "horse astrology" being into it would be the number one indicator that a woman is completely undateable. Horses are dangerous, too. Most people are aware that they can fuck you up pretty bad by kicking you, but did you know that sometimes they bite too? True story: this chick I used to know once got part of her tit bitten off by a horse. And, as you may recall, a horse murdered Superman. When the horses are killing our superheroes and destroying our most valuable natural resources, it's time to draw the line. You better watch your step, horses: you taste just like beef, and we don't exactly need you to get around anymore. We have motor scooters now.

The kid in this movie has a problem with horses too, because due to convoluted (and, admittedly, completely batshit insane) circumstances he's convinced that some horses prevented him from fucking Jessica 6, one of the finest females to ever walk the planet. Needless to say he's pretty pissed off, so he gouges the horses' eyes out with either a metal spike or a scythe (the movie can't quite get this straight). They show it too, so if you happen to be dating a flakey horse chick you should seriously consider making her watch this. She'll probably puke and it'll be hilarious. Anyway, they send the kid to a shrink and a lot of crazy shit is revealed, but this flick goes on forever so I'm not gonna get into a whole thing here. Long story short: religion fucked him up. That's a message I can totally get behind, and Jessica 6 graces us with some full frontal (proving that religion may suck, but there is a God), so this movie gets my highest rating. Truth be told I'm not exactly sure what that is, so try to imagine the movie rating equivalent of Jessica 6 and Ellie Kemper kissing, while Ke$ha takes pictures in a bikini. That's probably pretty close.