I don't even bother watching superhero movies anymore unless they're Part 2 or beyond. Part 1 is always the origin, and if I'm going to a fucking superhero movie I probably already know the hell out of their stupid origin. These superhero movies really need to dispense with all the goddamned backstory and hit the ground running. If a few people in the audience are lost and have questions, they can always ask their boyfriends.

Okay, Fantastic Four 2. The story's not that great and the thrilling climax just sort of forgets to happen,* but there's some good shit along the way, like the awesome bit where the helicopter crashes into the rooftop wedding, or the Human Torch instantly drying himself after he gets out of the shower. The gimmick that they keep switching powers is stupid though. It's always beyond lame when superheroes switch powers; that's what sent Power Pack swirling down the crapper. Speaking of which, was it just me or did the Silver Surfer's boss look like a gigantic butthole? I'll admit, when that thing was pointed at the Earth, I was genuinely worried.

The main problem with this flick is the characters. The Human Torch feels right, and it's nice to see the Silver Surfer do a stint as a ruthless badass (up to now his main super power has always been self-pity), but everyone else looks like the group of friends at a costume party who should've picked any theme but "the Fantastic Four": the Thing is too round, Mr. Fan-tastic is too young, and the Invisible Chick is too obviously not a natural blonde. And why is the Thing's girlfriend black? She's blind so maybe she never noticed, but she was white in the comic books. Come to think of it, they did the same thing to Nick Fury in the Iron Man movies. Why do they feel the need to make all these formerly white people black? If they needed a token that badly, the Fantastic Four have plenty of black friends who could've shown up: the Falcon, the Black Panther, Luke Cage... Are black people only welcome in a Marvel Comics movie if they started out white? Fucking racists.