Former boxer turned debt-collecting mob goon is in love with a junkie who dumped him so she could go lesbo. Meanwhile, this crazy kung-fu guy is killing strippers with nunchucks and a ninja sword and cutting their fingers off as souvenirs. (They never explain the fingers thing, but I assume he's making a necklace.) There's also a mob hit, a boxing vs. kung-fu showdown, Lando Calrissian as the cop, and a Yoda stand-in who says "Don't let your rage blind your judgment." It's like a reverse Rocky meets Showgirls meets The Dyke Stuff meets Enter the Ninja meets Pieces meets Once Upon Time in America meets The Quest meets The Empire Strikes Back meets my foot right up its ass. Let's see, did they leave anything out? How about a fat chick riding a stick horse? Nope, that's in here too. Seriously, I've never seen a more confused movie in my life. I mean, are we supposed to like the main guy despite the fact that he's a mob pimp who takes advantage of one of his employees being in the hospital to fuck her girlfriend, or because of these things? And are we really supposed to hate Lando Calrissian just because he calls people names, even though everyone he hassles or insults is a total criminal who deserves to be hassled and insulted? Or care if the main chick gets murdered when the only reason she's wandering around alone in the middle of the night while a killer's on the loose is because she's trying to score some smack? I think we need to review a little movie shorthand. Ready?

• The mob; pimps; junkies = bad guys

• Cops = good guys

Got that, makers of Fear City? Or do you need to stay after class and write it on the chalkboard 200 times?