Since this is called "The Movie" I assumed it was based on something else, like "Fred: The Show" or "Fred: The Cautionary Example", and sure enough, it turns out that "Fred" originally appeared in a bunch of supposedly popular YouTube videos that no one I know has ever been foolish enough to forward to me. So who is Fred? Fred is this beyond infuriating 15-year-old spaz who appears to be on speed and has a voice like his sack never dropped. Imagine a white Urkel who won't stop screaming and you'll have the basic idea. Oh, I almost forgot, he also stalks women. And when I say "stalks" I'm not just exaggerating for a humorous effect: he keeps specific tabs on this one chick right down to her ride home from school and what time the car passes various points along the route. I'll tell you one thing, if this autistic pre-rapist came anywhere near my daughter I'd cut his asshole out and feed it to him. And if I ever caught my kids watching his videos, I'd do the same to them. (Okay, maybe that's a little extreme, but there'd definitely be no television or Internet until they developed some goddamned taste. I'm not letting the error of my loins grow up to be the kind of simpletons who watch ass drippings like this.) The story is about Fred trying to hook up with the chick he's been stalking, which means he must be in some pretty serious denial because along the way he cross-dresses, has multiple fantasies about some buff muscle guy with no shirt on, and, at one point, sticks a tree branch up his ass and just lays on the sidewalk in broad daylight, enjoying the feeling of having something shoved up his ass. Also there's a scene that totally makes fun of fags, and everyone knows that when you make fun of something it means you secretly want to fuck it. That's how I got my dick stuck in a VHS copy of Poltergeist III.

Sexual issues aside, every millisecond of this awful movie is like watching the thing you hate most in the world violently rape your true love while someone shoves red-hot knitting needles into both of your ears. The sole redeeming characteristic is the cute little alt-wave, post-emo, new goth chick who shows up a few times- she is literally the only reason this isn't my new choice for worst movie ever made. My prayers go out to the actress who played her. She'll be lucky to land a role in Freddy Got Fingered 2 after this.

Note: There's another, completely unrelated Fred: The Movie about Fred Phelps, that "God hates fags" guy who crashes funerals and says that everyone in America (except for him) should die of AIDS. I think the Fred in this movie is slightly more obnoxious though.