An old geezer notices that the statue on this little girl's grave looks like it's crying. "Why do you look so sad?" he says. ("Because I'm dead, you stupid asshole!") He gets all obsessed with it, and finally he hires a private detective to find out how the girl died. The detective talks to the priest in charge of the graveyard (watch that boom mike!), the cops, and a chick at the local paper, who practically launches her pussy at him from a bazooka. Eventually, he finds out that the girl was kidnapped and murdered by drifters. Case closed. Now go tap that newspaper chick, buddy, before she changes her mind.

Oh, wait, the movie's not even half over yet. Fuck. Next the detective tracks down one of the kidnappers, who's out of jail now and playing in a rockabilly band at a local dive bar (with "the Go-Gos"; this guy has no respect for human life or registered trademarks). The two of them dig the girl's body up, and at this point they start hitting us with twist after twist, not that it matters because the whole thing still plods along like it's in slow motion. This movie does have a few hilarious parts (like when a guy subdues the detective with a Captain Kirk karate chop, then beats him with a can of Old El Paso brand refried beans), but overall it's just too damn boring. There's no tits either, which is a shame because this flick is bursting from the seams with supafine eye candy: the little girl is TYTBSH, the newspaper floozy has some killer gams, three babes change clothes in the background while we're supposed to be paying attention to important plot shit, and the chick who played the ghost in Prom Night III - widely recognized (by me at least) as one of the finest pieces of ass in the western hemisphere - makes an appearance. With a lineup like that this should've been a way better movie.