First off, to the guy from Orlando who told me I was wasting my time because this movie didn't exist: Eat it.

Grizzly 2 was made back in the 1980s, but due to some legal hullabaloo it never actually came out and has been this huge urban legend ever since. At one point it was bundled with some assets seized by the FDIC, and I actually tried to buy it from them but just missed my window of opportunity by that much. For real, I came so fucking close to owning Grizzly 2. You better believe I would've put it out too, unlike every other prick who's ended up with it. Fortunately, someone finally got fed up, stole it, and put it on the Internet. After all the work I've put in over the years tracking it down as it changed hands I'm kinda pissed that several other movie-nerd bitches beat me to the reviewing punch on this one, but hey, at least we all get to see it now. In your fucking face, copyright holders of Grizzly 2.

The story's pretty straightforward: somebody kills Brother Bear, so Mama Bear goes on a rampage that ends backstage at this huge outdoor rock pop gay pride concert. And when I say "huge" I'm talking Woodstock huge, with multiple semis required to truck in all the gear and equipment. And hey, it appears that, among others, the services of one B.J. McKay were secured for this task:

In fact, I get the impression that they might've actually put some of this concert on, in a half-assed sort of way, although that still didn't prevent a few of the extras from ignoring the music entirely and watching the moviemakers instead. Naturally they're using this whole setup as an excuse to kill lots of time showing various band members practicing, playing, and, for some bizarre reason, working out, but I didn't find this particularly intolerable. Besides, I kinda liked the song that goes "Don't stop to take a shit, don't stop to lose your grip..." When you won't slow down for pooping or insanity, you're hard core. Also I liked that the promoter comes across as a pretty okay guy instead of your standard cliché entertainment industry douche. When you think about it, it's pretty ironic how little most movies seem to think of people who work in the entertainment industry. Self-loathing much? Of course there's some disposable drama too, mainly involving the park ranger's daughter and her crush on one of the singers, but weirdly enough the movie's biggest emotional scene is between two of the bad guys. Seriously, I thought the fags were gonna kiss. I'm glad they worked everything out before they died horribly though.

Gore-wise this flick is pretty weak: all we get are a couple of impalings and some aftermath stuff. There's no tits either, but there are plenty of hotties wandering around, the standout being the concert producer's blonde assistant. (Watch when she bumps into the two cats at the very beginning- I think one of them cops a feel.) As for the bear, mostly we just see what it's seeing, and sometimes this is filmed from so high up that I have to assume that it has the power of flight. Or maybe it just walks around on its hind legs a lot. Aw, it thinks it's people! They really only show the grizzly at the very end (it's pretty cool), but from the look of things even if this movie was completely finished we wouldn't have seen much more of it. I'm happy to report that it does get to tip over a forklift though, and the last full-on shot of it might be the single most hilarious shot in bear movie history. The thrilling climax isn't actually finished so it's a bit hard to follow, but apparently the bear gets electrocuted to death. I suppose it makes perfect sense that Grizzly 2 would completely and utterly rip off Jaws 2. Why fuck with a successful formula?

Believe it or not there's lots of famous people in this movie, but the one I'll get the most Google hits by mentioning is Charlie Sheen, not winning as he gets butchered by a gigantic cheesed-off bear. But hey, that's what he gets for hiking into an area that's clearly marked "Closed Because Of Bear Danger". I'll also mention the guy from the Indiana Jones movies and Sliders, who plays a grizzly-hunting fatass badass, just to point out that, as usual, he's a complete idiot. The most idiotic bit comes courtesy the main chick though- after someone shoots the wrong grizzly, she says "The man's colorblind! He can't even tell what a male looks like!" What?

Bottom line, there's no reason why this flick can't be finished. Just bitch-slap the end into shape, drop a cartoon bear in there where necessary, and be done with it. It couldn't possibly turn out any worse than your standard Syphilis Channel movie.

Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.