You know what would be a good way to irritate Heather Locklear? Just when you're about to finish, pull out, blow it all over her, and then say "Now make me something to eat, Heather Cocksmear." Ha ha! That's great. I think I'm gonna try that.

So anyway, in this flick Heather plays some chick who likes to take it up the ass from a guy who isn't her husband. She decides to see a shrink to figure out what her problem is, which is retarded because I can psychoanalyze her right now: She's a whore. Now, normally her self-centered travails would be enough for any Lifetime movie, but in this case there's more. Apparently her husband is also screwing around on the side (looks like the table's on the other foot now, doesn't it bitch?), AND some mysterious third party is having her followed because she "ruined his life". So what's it all about? Frankly I couldn't care less, but you're here for a review not the ambiance so I'll tell you: she's a fucking loon, and half of what's going on is completely imaginary. Which half? Well, she's really having an affair, but, as it turns out, she's not really married. Which, obviously, means that the "affair" isn't really an affair. So, in the end, I guess none of it was real. Kind of like that time I took a bunch of acid and thought I had a threesome with Garfunkel & Oates, but later it turned out I just spent the whole night watching The Cool TV and crying.