When you're a little kid, you know that the Japanese make the best movies. Rodan, Gamera, the Mushroom People... it's a no-brainer. Then you grow up and suddenly you're way more into kinky sex and underage schoolgirls than you are into monsters. And that's when you realize: the Japanese really do make the best movies.

Of course even the Japanese blow it sometimes. In this cunt, these radioactive slimes are creeping around disintegrating people. The first half is unbelievably lame; except for a fairly creepy flashback where some cats get attacked on a ghost ship, it's just a bunch of boring cops & robbers bullshit. Things pick up a little bit when one of the slimes oozes into a nightclub and starts melting everybody in sight, but afterwards everyone seems more concerned with what to call the monsters than what to do about them (they finally decide on "H-Man") so the movie comes to a dead stop again. Whoever changed this to English sure was racist - "Your attention radies and gentlemen, we must crose the crub at this time." - but at least that adds some entertainment value, as do the sexy dancing girls and the surprising amount of frog abuse (take that, Kermit). There just aren't enough slime attacks though- after the nightcrub scene the slimes only get one more guy. Hell, even the "thrilling climax" is boring. You know what this movie's problem is? It's too goddamn lazy. It can't be bothered to come up with cool monster attacks or awesome action parts; it just wants to putz around and tread water long enough to officially count as a movie. Well, mission accomplished. Thanks for wasting my time, H-Man. Rousy lipoff.