The only thing this cunt game unleashed was my righteous fury. It sounds like a cool idea: you actually play Jaws, and you get to swim around eating the shit out of people. The problem is that even mass slaughter gets boring after a while (especially since there's only a few different things to attack; how about throwing some skinny-dipping hotties in there, game? You know, so Jaws can have a balanced diet and shit.), so eventually you have no choice but to go on the "missions" and this is where this game drops a huge, corn-filled log right into your mouth. First off, who the fuck is sending Jaws on missions? He's not some goddamned bomb-defusing dolphin. Actually, to be fair the game makes it seem like the missions are essentially Jaws's idea, but that's even more ridiculous. Maybe if there was a horny girl shark at the other end of the game it would make sense, but since there's not and there's plenty of food everywhere what, exactly, is motivating Jaws to go on all these dangerous escapades? Fame? I'm just not buying it.

The real problem with Jaws Unleashed though is that it's impossible to play, mainly because it takes forever to figure out what you're supposed to do in any given part. For example, I've been doing the level I'm on right now for like two hours and it took me half that time just to figure out what the mission is. Even worse, there's like multiple steps and if you fuck up during any part you have to go all the way back to the beginning. It's annoying as hell and... Oops, hold on a second...

Yeah! I finally beat this level! I... What the fuck???? Holy ass, the game just locked up and went back to the beginning!!!!!!!

Aaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!

You motherfucking ass-reaming cocksucking diseased bag of asshole fuckstain bitch queen piss-slurping gag reflex mother whore cunt-fucking open sore piece of miserable asshole fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck this game, fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to smash the fuck out of this game, I'm going to smash the fuck out of the box, I'm going to smash the fuck out of the knuckle-dragging pinheads who came up with it, and when I'm done with all that I'm going to find positive reviews of this game online, track down the people who wrote them, and smash the fuck out of those fucks. [Editor's note: Don't worry, there are no positive reviews of this game online.] Seriously, this is the most pissed off I've been since they took Sheriff Lobo off the air. The old Nintendo Jaws game was better than this, and you spent most of that one shooting jellyfish. The only possible way you can play this and not be angry the entire time is to use the cheat code that lets you open up the whole map so you can just swim around and eat whatever you want. If you do that though you don't get to see how the game ends, so to save you some grief I'll tell you: the game ended when I shoved the entire fucking disk into the garbage disposal.

If my maintenance guy asks, a fork fell in there.